Player Comparison: Mike Trout
Head and shoulders above the rest. Although new flavors and wannabes try to come for the crown (talking to you, Truly) Mango prevails time and time again. Four times, to be exact. Possibly more impressive, however, is the fact that it seems to be getting better as time goes on. Questions about how marketable it is? It got its own 12 pack and business is booming. More ways to drink it? Put some Chamoy and Tajin on the rim and take that to the bank. More attitude you say? Pour it in a michi cup. No one has ever said “ah damn, I got Mango” and if they did, they’re lying. Other flavors want to be it, and everyone wishes they had one. You should definitely consider offering this flavor a lifetime extension and locking it up for good.
Player Comparison: Fernando Tatis Jr.
Seemingly came out of nowhere and not exactly a household name… yet. A young upstart in the flavor rankings, Tangerine has all 5 tools: taste, drinkability, aesthetic pleasure, versatility, and (arguably most important) shotgunability. Keep an eye out for more people to take notice of this flavor very soon and when that happens, remember who put you on. The future is almost as bright as the can. Sky is the limit.
3. Natural Lime
Player Comparison: Nolan Arenado
For whatever reason, this flavor still does not get the respect it deserves. Lime has been getting the job done for so long, but poor marketing and questionable help around it have left it playing second fiddle to some of the flashier flavors. With that being said, this flavor is entirely capable of carrying an entire 12 pack on its back and given the right situation can really be a sparkplug for any turn up. Don’t be surprised if Lime starts rolling again and heats up in the middle of the summer, making everyone appreciate it once again. Best served ice cold, like the Rocky Mountains.
Player Comparison: Bryce Harper
Ah man. I don’t know where to start, really. I had such high hopes for this flavor ever since I found out about it. Pre-debut, it checks every single box. Looks great, fire ass can design, likely to be a fan favorite, and let’s be honest… watermelon. Only serial killers don’t like watermelon flavored things. After tasting though, I was instantly transported back to 2009 when I would black out from Watermelon flavored 4 Lokos. From what I’ve seen, people are still on the fence about this flavor. Some love it, some hate it. I’m going to chalk it up to “getting lost in the hype,” but I’m still trying to give it a chance. Who knows, maybe it just needs a change of scenery to really thrive. Check back with me in August when it’s 100 degrees and I’m on a 7-0 run in beer pong in the middle of a backyard boogie.
Player Comparison: Jose Altuve
There was quite a bit of *buzz* around this flavor early on, and rightfully so. Full disclosure, I did not expect this one to be as strong as it is. The first sip is a happy medium between licking the end of a battery and a vodka tonic from Zing’s on a Saturday night. Unfortunately, having been an advocate for all things lime my entire life, it feels too close to home if I enjoy this flavor too much. Lemon kind of sneaks up on you and to be honest, there is no place in this game for dishonesty. Bang the trashcan if you’re with me.
Player Comparison: Aaron Judge
The potential is definitely there. In a very “what have you done for me lately” world of drinking, it’s kinda hard to give this a fair assessment because I haven’t really seen enough. But I know it has some fucking pop because when I shot-gunned a tall can of this bad boy in 35- degree weather it almost took me out. Don’t write this flavor off yet because it’s still pretty early. This summer will more than likely be a make or break year, especially since there is so much talent around it. But boy, if it delivers… all rise.
7. Black Cherry
Player Comparison: Christian Yelich
Quietly, and I mean quietly, this flavor is a heavy hitter. The color pattern of the can makes it easy to cast aside because it isn’t super flashy, but one sip and you realize Black Cherry has what it takes to fuck you up in glorious fashion. It gets easily overlooked too because it was in the original variety pack. Honestly, some people might make the argument that it is the best flavor. Although it would be wrong, I would entertain it. Maybe we could do like a cherry-lime combo, then we’d really have something brewing.
8. Ruby Grapefruit
Player Comparison: Yasiel Puig
Ruby Grapefruit is a complete fucking fraud. It had everyone fooled for a second because the can looks cool but the true colors came out in a big way over time. Trade this shit to the Bud Light Seltzers. Don’t ever include this flavor in the conversation with Mango again, losers. Carl not your friend.