1. Cincinnati Bengals (Team Needs: Burrow)- Joe Burrow, QB, LSU

Duke Tobin and Mike Brown need to make sure the phone lines are only open for picks rounds 2-7. Don’t risk any fuck ups here. Not only is Joey Buckets the slam dunk pick, he makes the Bengals instant playoff contenders from the jump.

2. Washington Redskins (Team Needs: EDGE, CB, OT, LB)- Chase Young, EDGE, OSU

Duh. Sign a FA QB to develop Haskins another year, and if that doesn’t work out then draft Trevor Lawrence in 2021.

3. Detroit Lions (Team Needs: CB, PR, LB)- Jeff Okudah, CB, OSU

Looks like the Lions traded away their 3-time pro bowler star diva cornerback, Darius Slay, to the Philadelphia Eagles because they have the hots for Ohio State’s finest CB, Jeff Okudah. J.O. should be a day 1 starter and a lock down corner.

4. New York Giants (Team Needs: CB, OT, LB)- Jedrick Willis Jr., OT, Alabama

The big man from Alabama headed to the Big Apple to protect New York’s pocket change, Danny Dimes. Willis Jr. should be an instant starter like Okudah, and be of much use helping the run game for Saquon Barkley and eventually get NYG out of the top 10 next year.

5. Miami Dolphins (Team Needs: QB, OT, BPA)- Justin Herbert, QB, Oregon

Justin Herbert is going to go from the best uniforms in all of college football to one of the worst color schemes/uniforms in the NFL. The Dolphins go with the safe, healthy QB here at pick #5. They have already gotten better in free agency and Herbert looks like he’s gonna be the cherry on top for the rainbow sherbet Dolphins. Looks like we should get the “Herbert in rainbow sherbet” shirts ready.

6. Los Angeles Chargers (Team Needs: QB)- Tua Tagovailoa, QB, Alabama

The Chargers already said they’re going to go into the season with Tyrod Taylor after missing out on Tom Brady in free agency, so this makes Tua the perfect pick at #6. Tua can rehab and redshirt his rookie year while the Chargers experiment with Tyrod Taylor.

7. Carolina Panthers (Team Needs: OT, LB, TE)- Isaiah Simmons, LB, Clemson

Panthers practices are going to be an absolute track meet/freak show. Christian McCaffrey v. Isaiah Simmons 2 times a week seems like something that should be available for our viewing pleasure. Panthers get a stud at #7.8

8. Arizona Cardinals (Team Needs: OT, WR)- CeeDee Lamb, WR, Oklahoma

I know what you’re thinking, “Max, you idiot. He’s not the best WR. Blah, blah, blah”, BUT hear me out here… The OU heisman winning rookie of the year QB gets his boy to go along with his new weapon, D-Hop. The “Arizona Sooners” are going to be a high flying bunch o’ dawgs. Murray, Lamb, Hopkins, Kingsbury. Bet the over.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars (Team Needs: LB, IDL, OT, TE)- Tristan Wirfs, OT, Iowa

It looks like Duval is getting some heavy protection for their new QB, Gardner Minshew. Jaguars have a good skills group and a solid defense after acquiring Joe Schobert. Now with Wirfs they can protect Minshew and let him sling it.

10. Cleveland Browns (Team Needs: OT, LB, S)- Andrew Thomas, OT, Georgia

Baker should be jumping for joy here. The Browns have been very active in free agency, even getting BM6 a new TE in Austin Hooper, and the Browns keep QB1 happy and upright with Thomas here. Might not be Joe Thomas, but it should help Cleveland’s O-line.

11. New York Jets (Team Needs: OT, CB, WR, EDGE)- Henry Ruggs III, WR, Alabama

The Jets should just take Robby Anderson’s jersey and replace the last name with “Ruggs III”. Ruggs (probably gonna rock Anderson’s #11) looks like he’s gonna be a great new weapon for Sammy D.

12. Las Vegas Raiders (Team Needs: DB, WR, LB)- Jerry Jeudy, WR, Alabama

The RAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIDDDDERRRSSS actually looked like they had a pulse in 2019, even adding former Heisman Trophy winner, Marcus Mariota. Jeudy aka “Jew” is the best WR in the draft and should serve well as a high percentage target for the former Heisman winner late in the year.

13. San Fransisco 49ers (Team Needs: IOL, WR, S)- Javon Kinlaw, IDL, USC (the fake one)

The 49ers lost the ginormous Deforest Bucker to the Colts (via trade) to earn this #13 spot, so it only makes sense to replace him with the 6’6″ Kinlaw. John Lynch has been known to hit on picks later on in the draft, but Kinlaw should help his 1st round resume and help get the Niners back to the ship.

14. Tampa Bay Bucs (Team Needs: EDGE, OT, BPA)- Makhi Becton, OL, Louisville

Yo straight up, fuck the Bucs. They won the Tom Brady sweepstakes AND have the 14th pick?!?!? Really doesn’t matter what they due here the GM, Owner and Coach are safe for a while anyways. But since they’re here, why not get an athletic freak who showed out at the combine (or trade back and get Brady whatever he wants.)

15. Denver Broncos (Team Needs: WR, OL, CB)- Kristian Fulton, CB, LSU

Late last year the Broncos found their guy at QB, Drew Lock. This really helps the front office and takes the pressure off of them in the draft. Losing Chris Harris also makes this pick a little easier. Get the National Champion from DBU.

16. Atlanta Falcons (Team Needs: DB, EDGE, OL)- K’Lavon Chaisson, EDGE, LSU

The Falcons lost Vic Beasley, while adding Gurley and Treadwell this year, now making them the only team with all former 1st round picks as starters. They have to go defense here. Will they be the only team with all former #1’s on defense too?

17. Dallas Cowboys (Team Needs: CB, TE, DL)- Grant Delpit, S, LSU

Jerry Jones let Byron Jones (no relation) walk this off season, but Jerry did sign Ha-ha Clinton-Dix from the Bears with that money he saved. Why not draft Delpit and develop him while you have Ha-Ha and Xavier Woods. Dallas’ offense should be fine for at least one more year, so while we can, let’s stack up defense in the big D.

18. Miami Dolphins (Team Needs: QB, OT, BPA)- Derrick Brown, IDL, Auburn

Big man from Auburn falls into Miami’s lap and the Miami defense gets that much stronger. After Brady leaving New England and drafting Herbert at #5 and Brown at #18 the Dolphins are a threat in the AFC East.

19. Las Vegas Raiders (Team Needs: DB, WR, LB)- AJ Epenesa, EDGE, Iowa

The Raiders get a gift here in Epenesa. If he reaches his full potential, AJ and Mad Maxx are gonna be a tough duo to block in Sin City. Hopefully the Raiders can retain both ends unlike Khalil Mack a few years ago.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars (Team Needs: LB, IDL, OT, TE)- Kenneth Murray, LB, Oklahoma

Jags take a dawg here at #20 (Unless he’s facing Joe Burrow in a semi-final.) Murray should be a guy that gets some reps in the Jags defense later on in the year. Murray can learn from Schobert and Jack until he can step up and be a starter in Duval.

21. Philadelphia Eagles (Team Needs: WR, CB, S)- Xavier McKinney, S, Alabama

Malcom Jenkins, see ya. McKinney should be inserted into this terrible secondary the day he gets his name called in the draft. The Alabama play maker is gonna have a tough time tackling Saquon Barkley and covering Amari Cooper in the NFC East, but he’s from Alabama so he should be looking forward to the competition.

22. Minnesota Vikings (Team Needs: CB, IOL, WR)- Tee Higgins, WR, Clemson

The Vikings got rid of locker room cancer Stefon Diggs this offseason because this draft class is DEEP at wide receiver. Tee Higgins, who has been compared to AJ Green, is a steal at 22. This pick fill need and has value. Plus Kirk Cousins needs all the help he can get.

23. New England Patriots (Team Needs: GOAT, WR, PR)- Cesar Ruiz, OL, Michigan

Bill Belichick knows what he is doing and is somehow gonna end up winning the Super Bowl with out Brady anyways. Sure he lost Brady, but he’ll probably just stockpile picks until they decide who the next got will be. Ruiz should be a great blocker for Trevor Lawrence/ Jarrett Stidham in 2021.

24. New Orleans Saints (Team Needs: WR, QB, CB)- Jordan Love, QB, Utah State

Brees has to stop playing sometime, right? I think Taysom Hill could be the guy but the Saints need some insurance here. Being one of the best teams in the NFL the Saints have the luxury to draft a QB late in the 1st.

25. Minnesota Vikings (Team Needs: CB, IOL, WR)- CJ Henderson, CB, Florida

I went need here at #25, the Vikings lost 2 of their corners to the Bengals and CJ Henderson is an athletic SEC corner who should be ready to face Devante Adams, Marvin Jones Jr and Kenny Golladay.

26. Miami Dolphins (Team Needs: QB, OT, BPA)- Austin Jackson, OT, USC

The Dolphins keep getting better and frankly I’m kind of annoyed of it. Herbert, Brown and now Jackson, if the Dolphins don’t make a run for a wildcard spot this year or in 2021, they gotta go.

27. Seattle Seahawks (Team Needs: OL, DL, CB)- Yetur Gross-Matos, EDGE, Penn State

YGM has the most Seattle Seahawks 1st round pick name ever. Seattle has been in the 20’s for the last few years and I feel like they’ve always gotten guys with weird names. The Seahawks probably won’t pay Clowney and YGM will have a role to fill instantly.

28. Baltimore Ravens (Team Needs: LB, IOL, WR)- Patrick Queen, LB, LSU

The rich get richer. The Ravens walk away with Queen here at #28. No he won’t be Ray Lewis, but PQ should have a solid impact on what is already a good defense in the AFC North.

29. Tennessee Titans (Team Needs: QB, RB, OT)-D’Andre Swift, RB, Georgia

The Titans need to figure out if they’re going to pay Derrick Henry in 2021, but in the mean time they stock up on a running back like he’s toilet paper in 2020. Might never need him, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. Swift and Henry should be a deadly thunder and lighting combo in Smashville.

30. Green Bay Packers (Team Needs: WR, LB, CB)- Brandon Aiyuk, WR, ASU

Aaron Rodgers can turn water into wine as we’ve seen before with his previous no name WRs (MVS, Lazard.) He can turn wine into even better wine (D. Adams.) Brandon Aiyuk should be a solid addition to the GB receiver room and if he bonds well with the grumpy A-aron, he should see a lot of balls.

31. San Fransisco 49ers (Team Needs: IOL, WR, S)- Antoine Winfield Jr., S, Minnesota

Like I said earlier, John Lynch hits on guys (no homo) later on in the draft. Winfield Jr. is a small school stud and if Lynch doesn’t trade down here, he is going to have a vicious young safety to mold into an All-pro.

32. Kansas City Chiefs (Team Needs: CB, LB, RB)- JK Dobbins, RB, OSU

Since they can’t draft Jackson Mahomes, the Chiefs and Patrick Mahomes get another running back to go along side “Playoff Damien.” Running backs are getting thrown out left and right, so it would make sense to draft JK at #32 and use him while he’s young.